Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer
Tue Apr 19, 2005 at 03:32:38 pm EDT
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Dancer Presents: Confusingly Bad Crossovers #1: “You’re not seriously expecting me to be seen fighting crime with these bozos?”
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Dancer Presents: Confusingly Bad Crossovers #1: “You’re not seriously expecting me to be seen fighting crime with these bozos?”


[The Scene: The Bean and Donut Coffee Bar, where Dancer is holding a meeting…]

Dancer: You’re probably wondering why I called you all here today.

Nitz the Bloody, metal-helmet-wearing high priest of Zeku: I’m wondering how you called us here today. One minute I was watching the tube, swearing at Agrah in the Afternoon, the next I had a major craving for souvlaki.

Dancer: Hello? Probability Dancer here!

Nats, flying delivery boy: Sure. But what are the chances of me getting an unexpected groin-strain while flying and having to make an emergency landing outside the Bean and Donut?

Dancer: You’re still dating Uhuna, right? I’d have thought that you and groin strain were old friends by now.

Messenger, grim and gritty urban vigilante: I still don’t see why I’m here. I was in the middle of my grim and gritty war on crime when you called.

Dancer: You need to take a break from your grim and gritty war on crime, Messy. You need to take personal time. Watch the clouds. Eat souvlaki. Bathe. You realise that the last time we saw that trenchcoat of yours being washed was in Dancer #11?

Messenger, a bit defensively: Hey, I’ve been dead you know. And insane. Couple of times. Plus, just because it’s not been written up doesn’t mean it’s never happened. How many times have you read about me going to the can?

Nats: None, actually. And that explains so very much.

Messenger: I heard you ran out of chances with Temporary Death, flyboy.

Nitz: If you’re going to shoot him don’t get blood on my costume.

Dancer: And that’s another thing. Is that metal can on your head really necessary, Nitz? Is it, I dunno, the sacred coal scuttle of Zeku?

Nitz, as defensively as Messy: It’s a post-modern fashion statement. It shows that I’m a ideal post-human.

Nats: Well truthfully, it shows that you’re a…

Dancer, hastily: So you’re all probably wondering why I brought you here today, right? Right.

Messenger: So it wasn’t just the laundry lecture?

Nats: Although the laundry lecture was pretty timely as well, dude. Couldn’t you stop fighting crime long enough to change your boxers occasionally?

Messenger: Underwear?

Nitz: No wonder he brings terror to the hearts of criminals. And now you see why I wear the muffling metal helmet.

Nats: I just kind of assumed it was really serious acne.

Messenger: It’s kind of hard to decide who I should shoot first, Nitz for all that crap he pulled with the Commission or Nats for being just too annoying to live.

Dancer: Nobody shoots anybody until I tell you why I brought you all here, okay? I mean it. Otherwise, no souvlaki.

Nats: Okay. Why did you need to call me, buckethead and Mr Shooty together?

Dancer, smiling: Because we are going out to fight crime together.

Nats, Nitz, Messenger: Um…

Dancer: No really. We’re going to team up and battle evil. See, its come to my attention that all of you are feeling kind of unengaged in the Parodyverse right now. You think its too complicated, too much is happening, or its too old-fashioned. So I decided the only way to solve this was to do a big team up that reminds you of why its good to share.

Nitz: We’re being punished, aren’t we?

Dancer: Don’t think of this as punishment, think of it as compulsory PV therapy, helping you with your unfortunate personality problems. Okay?

Nats: Hey, I work with you all the time in the Lair Legion.

Dancer: But you never have interesting solo adventures any more. It’s like you just lost interest. I mean, poor spiffy got kidnapped that one time in the middle of a team-up with you, and you just gave up and went home for tea. It was three weeks before the villains lost interest and let him go because the pizza bills were getting too big.

Nats: It wasn’t just tea. I had homework too.

Nitz: So that’s what you kids are calling it these days.

Dancer: And Nitz, I got you down here so you could build on your buddy relationship with Nats. And also because Nitz and Nats sounds like a great PV team-up.

Nats: Actually, that’s Nats and Nitz.

Dancer: And I wanted Nitz to meet Messy socially, so that Messy would decide not to blow Nitz’s guts out for being part of that Commission stuff. I mean it was a pretty cool storyline, but really Nitz you got up to some pretty nasty stuff. So here’s a chance to learn the value of old style pre-post human adventuring.

Nitz: But there’s definitely souvlaki?

Dancer: If you team up nicely and start participating. After we all have a nice time fighting crime together, okay?

Messenger: You’re not seriously expecting me to be seen fighting crime with these bozos? I have a rep. I’ve been grim and gritty in the Parodyverse since 1999.

Dancer: Humour me and I won’t make you change your superhero name to Nutz.

Messenger: ……..

Dancer: So, now we’re all clear on the set activity, we need to decide what crimes we’re going to solve. Any ideas?

Nats: Please don’t tell me we have to drive around in a custom van until something spooky happens.

Messenger: We could wipe out that nest of drug dealers at Austin and Bendis.

Nitz: There’s a bunch of Mefrothto-worshippers somewhere down in the docks area that haven’t got the memo about Untold Tales #192 yet.

Dancer: No, I think we need to go a little further afield than that. Let’s go fight crime in Goth Haven.

Messenger: Where?

Dancer: It’s where Ham-Boy and Semi-Transparent Lad live. It’s new enough that it isn’t in the Who’s Who of the Parodyverse yet.

Messenger, suspiciously: New? Sounds like continuity to me.

Dancer: It’s a seaport a little way up the coast. There’s a kind of problem there that we might want to look into. And we can take a road trip. Um, do any of you drive?

Nitz: I suppose I can try conjuring up a Hondaeku.

Dancer: We’ll take the train. It’ll give us more chance to chat with each other.

Nats: We are being punished.

Dancer: You guys just wait here while I grab my purse. Loom if you want to. I just need to leave a message on Vizh’s answering machine.

Messenger, looking at Nats and Nitz: I should have brought more ammo.

[And up in the flat above the Diner, Dancer leaves an answerphone message for Visionary…]

Dancer: Hey, Vizh, hi. Listen, I’m just heading off with Nats, Nitz, and Messy on a mission to Goth Haven. It’s kind of dangerous, but I’ve got the guys I need to help me deal, okay? If I’m not back by tomorrow its because we’re all horribly dead and you’d better send the LL in to try and save the world. Tell Mumphrey that the renegade Heralds of Galactivac are in Goth Haven and they’re planning to kill all life on Earth if I can’t stop them. Oh, and ask Hallie to record Joey for me, please. Bye.

To be continued… dum dum DUM!






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